


Coming Out Unscathed

by SteinShipping61



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Animagus, Best Friends, Bisexuality, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Pre-Canon, Sexuality Crisis, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-10-11 05:07:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20540597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteinShipping61/pseuds/SteinShipping61
Summary: It's 5th year and Remus Lupin is falling in love with his best friend. His best friend, Sirius Black, during an era when sexuality was presented as one option the standard hetero. With hushed tones of possibly gay.The main problem is, Remus doesn't fit with either of those.





	1. The First Chapter

**Author's Note:**

> J. K. Rowling hasn't explained how the Wizarding world viewed sexuality throughout history. So I'm presenting it as they viewed it in the Muggle world (in the UK) during the 1970s.

The Marauders sit around the courtyard in the inner walls of the castle. This warm summer's day in 1975, they practice the newest skills refined in their Defense Againat the Dark Arts classroom. Wand combat tactics such as Stupidfy, Aguamenti and Bombarda. Offensive magic always was Remus' favourite. James and Sirius wrestle in front of him, ponderous movements and useless duelling spells shot across the air, dissipating without a target in their reach. It's all good fun, it is a Saturday after all. 

In the heat, James tugs off his woollen jumper. Last year, he wouldnt have done so so brazenly in front of Sirius. It's taken many moons to come to terms with the fact that one of their group is gay. The dog came out last year, a day they all remember with sullen regret. They argued, Sirius cried, James punched a wall. Peter jeered and slurred. Remus, his best friend, rejected him. 

It didn't take long for rumours to spread arpund Hogwarts. Some perpetuated remorsefully by Remus himself. Everyone avoided the queer Wizard like the plague. Even after becoming animagi together and accepoting the physcial transformations of one another they couldn't come to grips with Sirius' sexuality. Coming out as gay in 1974 simply wasn't done. 

But as time passed, the group having isolated Siruis completely, they started to notice how his personality didn't change. His sexuality affected nothing aboiut who he was to them. It simply added to him, another part of who he was - as much a homosexual as he was an animagus. The Marauders have a history of accepting the differnces of others, the most demonstrable example being Remus' condition. James, with his compassionate nature, was the first to invite Sirius back into their group. Sirius, with his forgiving nature, accepted without hesitation. 

Still, it took a long time for The Marauders to accept Sirius as a close friend. Things like sharing secrets, talking about relationships, sleeping over in the others' dorms. All carrying some tension with the knowledge that Sirius is gay. A suspicion based on nothing but that, and a suspicion that what exactly? None of the individuals could identify it, but is burned strongly within them nonetheless. This continued no matter how many times he'd assure them he is nothing more than their friend. 

Until one day, they just forgot all about it. Sirius shared a bed with them on sleepovers. He hugged James on his Quidditch victories, he comforted them during their transformations with hand holding and cuddling, the same they did with him,. Just like everything was before. 

Burt as Remus watches them wrestle, something feels off within himself. He focuses on Sirius, how his hair falls in the movements appearing before him at half speed. His smile standing out pearly white against pale skin. Curious eyes that stare in wonder at everything around him, wide like saucers with childlike kindness. This is the first instance Remus has thought such things about Sirius. 

Never before has he experienced love, but if he was asked to describe what that word means to him, he'd have said exactly this. Abruptly the feeling fades, he forces his gaze away and at a distant patch of grass. Confusion and shame swirls in his head, thousands of justifications for what just happened. None of them fit, he can't pick one and think with relief 'Oh, that's what I was really thinking about'. Some are more reasonable than others, some are as simple as Sirius' hair reminding him of one of the 4th year girl's. None of them are true. 

James wins the match inevitably, but Remus doesn't notice. Too consumed by his own strange grief. Inner turmoil of frustrated shame. Though he doesn't know why he's ashamed with himself. Not even at the questioning stage yet, his mind just rejects everything that happened. 

"Eh Remus, you alright mate?" James claps him on the back, grinning in amusement. 

"Uh - yes," he answers hastily. 

"Nice, thought we lost you there," he snorts, nestling between his friends and wrapping his arms around both their shoulders. Remus shifts away, skin crawling uncomfortably. Thankfully James doesn't notice the tension in his shoulders. Sirius looks over oddly though, giving him a once over before apparently forgetting. 

Distractions escape Remus the rest of the day. At dinner, over the dessert table, Sirius catches his eye with a look asking 'What's wrong?' Remus gives him an innocent stare before looking away, pretending not to notice. As if that will work, Sirius doesn't let things go that easily. 

He catches Remus outside the dining hall, dragging him back from the door. "Hey, you've been off all day," he frowns, putting his hands on his hips. 

"It's nothing, I'm fine," he tells his best friend, the person's he's closest to in the world. "I've been nauseous since breakfast," It's a terrible lie. Especially terrible given they live in a magical school with access to both truth spells and a hospital wing that can cure ailments like nausea in a matter of seconds. 

"Uh, I've known you for what, five years? I know what 'nothing' means with you Remus," 

"Why can't you just let it go, okay? I'm fine," Remus glares, pushing past Sirius to try and escape. A hand grabbing his wrist stops him, pulling him back. 

"We've never hidden anything from each other. Why are you being like this now?" 

Remus doesn't know why this makes him so angry, in retrospect he realises he's projecting. His own guilt over hiding these new feelings form Sirius, especially when they're about him, makes him so pissed off he thinks of the most hurtful thing to say right now. "Oh, you mean like how you pretended to be straight for four fucking years, then told me the same time you told fucking strangers? We're _supposed _to be best friends!" 

Sirius stops, his eyes growing dark. His mouth pushed into a firm line, he charges up to Remus. The werewolf falls into a defensive stance, expecting to be attacked. Sirius just slams into him and storms past. He almost reaches the end of the corridor before stopping to a halt. "You were the hardest person to tell Remus, because we were best friends," Sirius explains coldly, escaping the room. 

Sirius using the past tense isn't lost on Remus. 

That night in the dorm, Sirius is already in his bed when Remus arrives. Curtains drawn, no wand light shining through. He really wants to talk to him, but this is as big a hint as you can get. He huffs and sits down on the edge of his own bed, starting to take off his shoes and Gryffindor themed socks, dark red with a yellow ocre strips across the top. There's a lock at the door. Remus glances over at Sirius for a second before answering. 

"Evening," James stands there, the level above the staircase illuminated by his wand. It looks like moonlight, is that where the wands get their light power from? "We're over in my dorm, are you coming?" 

"Is Sirius there?" 

James looks over his shoulder at the four-poster, curtains drawn. "No, still coming?" 

"Of course," Remus smiles slightly, neither his heart nor his mind in it. He follows Jaems down into the commonroom. 

Unlike the dorms, this is lit warmth by several torches hanging on the walls, candles floating overhead. Their light bounces off the ceiling to give the room a cosy glow. Peter sits on one of the armchairs, James on the floor. Some of the girls from another dorm crowd around the long table under the balcony, quills in their heads. Studying with occasional breaks to chat. Remus sits leans on one of the bookcases by the wall, half-sitting on it. 

"Damn, I wish people from other commonrooms could spend the night," 

"We could always sneak down to Hufflepuff?" James suggests. 

"Sounds good," Remus agrees abruptly, hoping a change of scenery will make him feel less guilty. Not just over Sirius, but over his own feelings. His own family not interested in the religious most Muggles subscribe to, they indeed adopted some of the cultural norms, including the very English behaviour of repressing any feelings that could be interpreted as 'impolite'. Weirdly enough, he feels the need to apologise to everyone in the room for questioning his sexuality. If that's even what's happening. 

His downward spiral of guilt is interrupted however when Sirius appears at the top of the stairs, still fully dressed in his school uniform minus the blazer. His shirt cuffs are damp, his eyes red and his hair sticking to his cheeks. He's been crying. "Remus? Can I talk to you?" he calls down, asking him upstairs before disappearing back into their dorm. This isn't entirely uncommon, the best friends having private conversations away from even the other Marauders. Still, with the state Sirius is in, James and Peter share a questioning look. Remus can feel their eyes on his back as he climbs up after him. 

Remus enters the open door, the curtains on the other's four-poster drawn open. he sits on his own bed opposite as Sirius paces around the room, hands clasped below his chin. His thinking face, the one Remus always thinks is cute. That takes on a new meaning with how he felt earlier, and he continues to push that feeling down. He can just pretend it never existed, that he never thought of Sirius as cute. 

"I'm sorry," he blurts out, and a feeling of relief follows immediately. Like the pent-up frustration has been released. It has the same raw energy as when he changes and lets his hunting instincts overcome his rational mind. The 'I'm sorry' feels less like an admittance of fault and more of a respite from guilt. Isn't that why most people apologise? 

"Me too, I took it the wrong way," he admits, still unable to look at Remus in the eyes. "I didn't know you felt like I was keeping a secret from you. I was just having a rough time with everything," 

"You don't never to justify yourself to me, especially with that. It makes sense," it's exactly how he's feeling right now. 

Sirius sits beside him on the bed, it feels too close for comfort. He's uncomfortable because of his own feelings, especially the way his heart flutters when they're so close, close enough to touch knees, to feel the warmth from his skin. "Can you tell me what was wrong today?" 

"Not really," Remus exhales deeply through his nostrils. Mouth closed to stop himself saying something incorrect. He needs a few seconds to figure out how to word this. "I don't understand my own feelings right now. "I'm feeling things towards you that seem odd. I'm worried, not worried, I just..." 

"You think you might be gay?" 

"...Yes," Remus agrees. But it doesn't feel right, not at all. Not only the thought of being gay, but more the feeling of attaching that label to these feelings. Yes, he's attracted to Sirius. He can admit that much to himself at this point. But he can only admit that because he can attribute this attraction to others he's felt in the past. To other people who... aren't Sirius. To girls in particular. But that doesn't make any sense. 

Sirius nods, suppressing something that threatens to compromise this quiet acceptance. Like he's keeping a Boggart captured in a tiny chest. A feeling that scrapes against the walls and screams in anguish at its capture. "How d'you feel about that?" 

"I don't know... I wish I knew for sure! This uncertainty - it bloody kills me!" Remus groans, leaning against the end of his four-poster. Most of his shame settles in the confusion. If he's gay, great. But if not, it's shameful to have these senseless attractions to someone you aren't naturally interested in. A betrayal of yourself. 

Sirius laughs. "You're right, I understand the feeling. If you're struggling with questioning your sexuality..." Sirius looks away for a second, biting his lip. Gnawing it gently, he always does it when he's anxious. "I'm too emotional. I'll talk to you about it tomorrow okay?" 

"Okay," Remus nods. "Um, can we keep the curtains open tonight?" 

"Course we can," Sirius smiles. 

Keeping the curtains open is something they've done since they started sharing a dorm. Whenever something happens: one is sad, both are sad, one is emotional, one is feeling unsafe, they both need to talk, they're not planning on sleeping. Anything outside the norm occurs, they keep the curtains open on both their beds so they can see each other in case anything happens. Remus pulls the covers over himself, pulling off his Hogwarts sweater but keeping the rest on - no point in changing, he can just rewear it tomorrow. 

Sirius watches this and smiles before turning his own wand light off. Lying back in his own bed, he stares up at the cover over the posters with a new hypothetical to deliberate. If Remus is gay, and is already attracted to him, will his forever unrequited love suddenly become a reality? 


	2. 2/5

During the dinner feast, Remus slips Sirius a private note. The words detail a wonderfully romantic paragraph he picked up in one of the old obscure library books. The title was blank, the name unwritten. The poem seems from Middle English but Remus can't be sure. And it seems written by a Muggle. It details -  
  


_ Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks _  
_ Within his bending sickle's compass come; _  
_ Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, _  
_ But bears it out even to the edge of doom._  
_ If this be error and upon me proved,_  
_ I never writ, nor no man ever loved. _  
  


How he feels about Sirius summarised in those lines. Far more eloquently than he could explain himself. "What's that?" James cranes his head over Sirius' shoulder.

"Nothing," he hides a smile behind his hair. "Remus gave me his homework,"

"Oh, nice. Come to me for Charms next time though, I got an A on the last paper,"

"Thanks, I will," Sirius smiles. He carefully folds the note instead of scrunching it into his pocket. Something he can treasure.

They meet after dinner, in the tallest classroom of the alchemy tower. Shadows dance across Remus' face in the empty room, sparkling stars on the velvet blanket of sky. "You belong on the cover of a romance novel," Sirius chuckles, leaning against the doorway with a smug grin. Remus jumps, startled. "Well you invited me, how unexpected can my arrival be?"

"I didn't know if you'd come," Remus admits sheepishly. His eyes shift away, taking his face with them. The moonlight now brightens his profile. 

"So why'd you invite me then eh?" 

"Sirius, I'm gay," 

It feels wrong, so wrong indeed. He thought verbalising what he thinks to be true will alleviate this bitter uncertainty but it doesn't. It just leaves him hanging in a limbo of discomfort. Those words don't feel right but they must be true. He can deny it all he wants, but he has feelings for Sirius. And his best friend is less than unattractive. He's beautiful even. "Okay," Sirius pauses for a second to take it in. "I'm happy you were able to accept yourself," 

"And... I think I might have feelings for you," he admits shamefully, the tips of his ears burning red as his scar. Sirius walks up, cupping the calloused cheek in his smoother hand. So small and delicate, Remus thinks he could pick him up like a bride. Sirius in a black wedding gown, now there's a concept. His other hand finds its way to Sirius's chest. "Can we try together, please?" 

"Oh Remus," he grins, shaking his head. "Together forever, the forbidden romance? Very Shakespearean, but we need to get to know our own feelings better first - especially you," 

Sirius turns to leave, but the iron grip on his jacket forces him back. He looks down, Remus is clutching his collar so tightly his knuckles turn white, his arm tensed. "Please don't," 

"Let go of me Remus," Sirius annunciates every syllable, reaching up to wrap his hand around Remus' and pull away. The wolf is stronger than the dog. 

"Sorry," Reus lets go slowly, now unable to make eye contact. He ahoudn't have done that. He's surprised when Sirius doesn't just walk out. "I know this might not be real, and we might not be able to stay together forever but... with all these feelings I need someone who's more than a friend right now," 

"Alright," Sirius sighs. He's the one who takes Remus' hand in his. "We can be together, love," 

The nickname makes Remus smile, having never had a serious relationship. Never thought himself capable of getting one. After all, who could love a monster like him? Dating another Animagus makes sense. 

The next morning before breakfast the new couple makes the announcement to the rest of The Marauders. Remus isn't ready for everyone to know yet so he tells James and Peter in their dorms, away from curious eavesdroppers. 

"Wait you're gay too?!" Peter gasps in abject horror. Sirius he never expected and Remus either. "But you don't look gay!" 

"Do I look gay?" Sirius gestures to himself. 

"You really don't want me to answer that," James smirks, stretching across the couch. "But honestly, that's fine. We support you just as much as Sirius. Wait, does that mean you two are together?" 

Remus frowns, everyone knows he's gay. But that feels more wrong than before. And if an identity is attributed to him without his involvement. A mistaken identity, like confusing a Gryffindor for a Hufflepuff or something similar. "Actually yes," he smiles, this feeling a lot more real for himself. He slides over and takes Sirius' hand in his own. Warm and inviting. 

"Well that's bloody adorable," James laughs. "I couldn't think of anyone better for the two of you!" 

"I couldn't either," Sirius smiles, squeezing Remus' hand a little tighter. As if afraid to let him go. 

* 

The full moon looms eerily over the vast fields of Hogwarts grounds. The quidditch pitch a shadow of monochrome, each colour reduced to white. The Marauders steal across the grounds under cover of cloud and the Invisibility cloak. Awaiting them by the Shrieking Shack is Remus wearing that lopsided grin of his that melts Sirius' heart. They pull off the cloak. "Alright, Moony," James nods to him. He doesn't answer. The boys climb the staircase to the small room in the West Wing. 

The Marauders await their transformations with patient apathy. James and Peter explore the forgotten treasures of the shack, finding an old trunk inscribed with ruins in an ancient language. Sirius discusses turning the shack into their own clubhouse. Making their mark on the Hogwarts school for the rest of eternity. "My Quidditch trophies are already my mark," James laughs. 

"The rest of us don't have one though," Peter frowns, wondering why exactly the other two are being so quiet. He hasn't ever identified as one of this group. Maybe in the first days but since then has been fading away. These people are his friends but he certainly doesn't have loyalty towards them. 

"The first students to have an Animagus club? The Marauders' Map? The Invisibility Cloak? First gay relationship?" Sirius starts listing off their identifying factors with amusement, staring at Peter with a demeaning smirk. He starts carving their Animagus indentities into the wall with a nail pulled from the floorboards. "You didn't think that one through," 

"Oh shut up Sirius," 

"Everyone sshh," Remus whispers, staring at the moon emerging from a thin layer of clouds. "It's beginning," 

Their transformations are less painful than they were at the beginning. Remus is certainly used to his. Though his body becomes that of a wolf his human mind remains intact. The rest too can control themselves in their Animagus forms. Their exploration of the grounds in these forms is compiled into The Marauders Map, the gathering of findings from their misadventures. _Padfoot dear are you alright?_ Remus asks Sirius. The language barrier between wolf and dog certainly exists but they can communicate easier to one another than to the stag or the rat. 

_I'd like to terrify the townsfolk, _Sirius thinks. _Maybe someone will mistake me for The Grim again. _He remembers that amusing night. The infrequent drunk wanderer of Hogsmead gazing upon a malformed dog or wolf creates such a stir in their local paper the following day. Not once have they connected the sightings to Hogwarts often mistaking the prank as an act of vicious dark sorcery. One person even speculated that dementors were deployed to the area. 

_Very well, we haven't explored much of the town, _Remus agrees, knowing Sirius wishes to prank the townsfolk. Sirius may be the initiator of such things but he's happy to follow along. It always ends in a good laugh and makes his transformations a lot less traumatic. 

*

The moon fades behind the trees, faintest hints of the sun gleaming over the horizon. Their transformations back to Wizards complwte. Sirius and Remus sit against thec wall of the Shrieking Shack, watching the sunrise togtehre. Bathed in an orange glow. Remus things Sirius looks magnificent, watching hiow his hair shines and sways back a little in the breeze. "You should dye your hair dark," he hums, running a hand through it. aIt's be such a dynamic contrast with Sirius' pale skin. "And pull it back a little. You'd look nice with an earring too," 

"I might just do that," Sirius tugs at a strand of his own hair. "I'll go into Hogsmead this weekend and pick some things up. Will you come with me?" 

"Is thst a date invitation?" 

"Certainly love," 

"Guys, we better get back," James calls from across the room, putting on his sheos and tying his tie. "Classes are in two hours and I'm exhausted," 

"We must ask Dumbledore about getting a Time Turner next year," Remus sighs. "I don't want to miss so much sleep before school. What wityh our owls coming upo and all," 

"Ooh, Mr Responsible," Sirius chuckles, taking Remus' hand. They admit James is right and get ready to return to the castle. On the way they come up with excuses to tell everyone about why their uniforms are dirty. That Slytherin boy always asks too many questions about it. 

*

It's during Transfiguration class that Dumbledore takes Remus aside, leading him to the office without a word exchanged between them. The Animagus fidgets nervously underneath that intimidating gold Phoenix. He wonders if someone in Hogsmead reported something after all. "Remus Lupin, please have a seat. Woul you like some tea? It's freshly brewed," Dumbledore uses his wand to pour himself a cup, offering some to Remus with an enigmatic stare. He always seems aloof. 

"No thank you sir," 

"A sherbet lemon?" Dumbledore pops one into his own mouth, sucking on the candy as if to keep himself focused. 

Remus clenches his jaw. "Why am I here, Professor?" 

"Ah, it's nothing to worry about," Dumbledore waves dismissively. He sensed tension in the room and is glad to discover a simple misunderstanding. "I wanted to ask if you'd like to take on the responsibility this year to become a prefect. I know it's a busy time with your OWLS and everything but I think you're a greart fit for such a role," 

Remus sits there, shocked for a few seconds. Excited to accept but hesitant at the prospect of the title being stripped away over who he is. "Professor? You do know, don't you? About Sirius and I?" 

Dumbledore stiffens slightly. "Yes, I do," he places his cup down on the table. "That hasn't influenced my decision," 

"You still want me to become a prefect?!" 

"Why would I not?" he chuckles, a kind light in his eyes. He leans forward with the same compassionate smile. "Between you and me? It actually made me want to pick you more. I do need someone who can keep Sirius and your friends in check. Do you think that's something you'd like to try?" 

Remus' face splits into a wide grin that shows his teeth unashamedly. He can't help himself. So elated, he did expect everyone to reject his relationship. It seems not. "I'd very much like that, Professor," 


	3. 3/ 5

The silver badge chimes like a glass for a toast when Sirius flicks his fingers against it. The sounds unbroken makes him snicker. "Prefect eh? Bloody Hell Remus, I never thought of you like as a prefect," he stands back to admire how Remus looks in the badge. Standing in the authoritative pose looking entirely stern and charismatic. "Gotta admit it's perfect for you," 

Remus brushes some imaginary dirt from the badge. He licks his finger and polishes it. "The badge or the role of prefect?" 

"Both," 

"You gonna keep us outta trouble then?" Peter snorts. 

"Y-Yes," Remus attempts to speak firmly. He mutters to Sirius. "I'm going to try anyway," 

Sirius, thoroughly amused, can' stop smiling. Just because it's Remus, just because he's so endearing. He cant stop smiling around him. "Good luck with thee lot," he stares at the rest of the unruly students. 

The Gryffindor commonroom is celebrating a Quidditch victory against Ravenclaw. James stands in the centre of the room being praised by the rest of the team, acclaimed by the girls and flocked over by younger admirers. The Gryffindor chant ululates through the castle. It must carry for miles through those ancient glass windows. "K-Keep it down everyone!" Remus tries to shout but his voice is so low. Only a few stray students heard him and glance over with challenging glares. Trust the prefect to spoil the fun. 

"Ugh," Remus groans and slumps into a chair with defeat. He isn't cut out for authority. 

"I have some friends down in Hufflepuff," Sirius suggests sympathetically. "We could go down there where it's less... overwhelming?" 

"We can't wander around the castle at night," Remus reminds his boyfriend in an even lower voice, like someone is listening in. "I'm a prefect now!" 

Sirius steps back and shrugs. "If you want to spend all night listening to this, be my guest. I'm going down to Hufflepuff," 

Sirius turns on his heel and heads for the portrait at the front of the commonroom. Remus glances back at the noisy crowd for a moment before reluctantly following. Sirius smiles to himself, clasping Remus' hand as they wander the halls patiently. 

At night, when the castle is empty is really the only time they may walk the halls as boyfriends. Holding hands, kissing and sharing secrets. Interlocking arms to feel the closeness of the other. While everyone in the school knows they're together, for rumours tend to spread quickly with such scandalous developments, they cannot show affection in front of other students. It saddens both of them but also crates romantic situations such as this when under the blanket of darkness may they be the most intimate, as that is when it's most romantic. 

Sirius recites the Hufflepuff password and they are invited in. Pastel décor greets them pleasantly as do mild-mannered students from all years with helpful smiles. Remus smiles back, thinking he'd fit in well in this house if not Gryffindor. Sirius too - maybe not as much though, he's a lot more intrepid and assertive. 

Sirius introduces Remus to his friends in Hufflepuff one by one. This happened to be the house that first showed solidarity with him after coming out. "And last but not least, the violent jewel of this navy blue pitfall - Nymphadora Tonks!" 

Remus is frozen to the spot for a moment. Utterly stunned. This girl is the most beautiful person he's ever seen, so much so she takes this breath away. He could lose himself in the black depth of those eyes and happily so. Hair that shine against the sparkling chandeliers of the well-lit ceiling. It quickly becomes aware to Remus that he's been standing here for too long without saying anything. Nymphadora's smile is faltering to a weary frown. "I-I'm Remus. Sirius' boyfriend," 

"I know," she giggles. "You just announced it to everyone else," 

Remus clutches the back of his neck in embarrassment. His brain is misfiring under the stunning dark intellect aesthetic of this witch. "Eheh, sorry," feeling a fluttering in his chest that tightens with each sound, he marvels at how her voice sounds, how she looks at him. But then she sees one of her other friends and brushes past him. The touch feels like magic. 

Remus sits at one of the communal desks. Everyone else shares drinks, laughs, talks. He stares into the void of the room. He likes Nymphadora Tonks. He thinks she's wonderfully attractive. He looks at his boyfriend Sirius who is also wonderfully attractive. So he likes both. Both? He only recently discovered himself gay and now there's a girl he finds himself gravitating towards. 

And before Sirius he liked girls, but he liked boys too. Just as strongly, even if not as strongly as he felt for Sirius. He just didn't know it at the time and Sirius helped him figure it out. 

Having barely accepted himself as _not hetero_ yet, Remus tumbles back into the emptiness of confusion between his sexuality. An anguish that pains him the rest of the night. 

Returning to their dormitory hours later, Sirius analyses Remus' pale face and empty eyes clinging to misery. "Are you alright?" he asks gently, guiding Remus into a seat. Afraid he might be sick, wondering if they should go to the medical bay or if Remus snuck an illicit drink with the Hufflepuffs. "You've been acting off all night. And pardon me dear but you look terrible,"

"I'm not gay," is all he says. 

Sirius chuckles. "What are you talking about? Of course you are. You like other boys and you have a boyfriend," he smiles and gestures to himself. 

"I like boys," Remus affirms slowly, unsure how to word it even to himself. "But I like girls too. I'm attracted to both. So I'm not gay, I'm... gay and straight? Both?" 

Sirius shakes his head. No longer smiling. "Remus that isn't a thing. How can you be both? You can't be both," his voice grows firmer with each sentence. An order that pisses Remus off. 

"Why can't I? I like guys and girls so I'm straight and gay," he shrugs, unsure what the big deal is. Remus knows what he feels, he knows what attraction is. He thought he had to be exclusive to girls until he met Sirius. But maybe he doesn't have to be exclusive to boys either. Why be exclusive to liking one gender when that goes again everything he feels? Then it'd just be like pretending to be straight all over again. 

"That doesn't exist though! Are you that fucking self-hating that you want to make shit up?" Sirius pauses, a hooded darkness creeping under his eyes. "Or are you just ashamed of me?" 

"What?! No, Sirius!" Remus stands, grasping his partner's hand in his own. Clinging to him desperately. "I could _never_ be ashamed of you," 

"Don't touch me!" Sirius yanks back his hand, staring at it. Wounded. "You know what? I can't bloody deal with you right now," 

Sirius regards Remus with disdain, eyes devoid of empathy. He storms from the dormitory. Remus hears his footsteps clack loudly on the staircase, each one like a gunshot. 

Remus sits on the edge of his bed. Terrified of crying, terrified of not crying. The tears just sit there on the cusp of flowing down his cheeks. A side of Sirius he's never before seen, mean and bitter. It doesn't frighten him exactly, he's simply scared to knowledge his Sirius as anything other than the perfect human he's known all this tine. The loyal dog, his best friend. 

"Is that what it's like to be in a relationship with someone?" he whispers to himself. Asking the perpetual darkness hanging outside his window that replies with cold silence. If that's the case then he doesn't want a relationship with Sirius. Why can't they go back to being friends again? 


	4. 4/ 5

Sirius sits on a windowsill in the small, run-down tower of the Shrieking Shack. The breeze light and whipping back his hair. Below him, the faint rustling of grass frozen in this crisp winter. It's not the night of a full moon but a tiny sliver of one peeking out from behind a thick layer of loud. Like dust spread over a surface, it spatters across the velvet blanket. Calming. Soothing his racing mind. He doesn't understand Remus, he never has. Peter should be the outsider of their group and yet it's Remus and it's nothing to do with his status as a werewolf. Mentally he was always different. Quiet kind and sensitive while the rest were boisterous and rough. Sirius curses under his breath.

All he can think of in this moment is Remus.

"I'd be surprised if your thoughts could wander farther than his heart,"

Sirius turns to see his headmaster standing there. He scrambles down from the windowsill, ready to grovel and apologise for being here. Dumbledore raises a hand to silence him before he can open his mouth. "Relax, dear boy. I've known about your misadventures all along. What you all did for your friend Remus is astounding. Becoming animagi just like him, I admire that kindness,"

"Thank you, professor," Sirius mumbles, still unable to look Dumbledore in the eyes. He defied Hogwarts rules, deceived the great and powerful Wizard. Messed with a dangerous and serious magic. Not to mention The Marauders' current side projects that are more than illicit.

"And when you came out, the first openly gay student in our school. Did they turn away from you?"

"At first, but then they learned. They educated themselves and so they realised there was no reason not to accept me,"

"Exactly," Dumbledore flashes a conspirator's smirk. "So why do you find yourself unable to accept your boyfriend for who he is?"

"Accept him?" Sirius looks into his eyes, confused. "For who he is? But how, when he'snothing more than he was before this foolishness. There isn't such thing as being both straight and gay, how can there be?"

"Sirius, have you ever heard of bisexuality?"

"... No," he admits after some thought. He's heard of homosexuality and heterosexuality of course, perceives them as polar opposites. But bisexuality? He can't think what that is.

"Well it has been a major driving force for the gay rights movement in America," Dumbledore begins to explain. "For lack of a better definition, or perhaps this is my own ignorant statement, bisexuality is when you experience attraction for someone of your same gender and another. Remus experiences this for both males like him and also females. It isn't being both straight and gay, but something in itself. Do you understand?"

"So he can like both?" Sirius wrinkles his nose. "I don't understand,"

"Neither do I, I admit," Dumbledore chuckles. "We have very little information about it for now. But merely 3 years ago being homosexual was illegal. When you came out, Remus didn't understand you. Many of the Hufflepuffs do not understand what it is to be gay and yet they sill accept you. Can you not do the same for Remus?" 

"But how?!" Sirius grips his hair in frustration, digging his nails into his scalp just to divert his suffering from the pain of mental anguish. "How am I supposed to accept someone who could switch sides at any moment?! And leave me alone once again..."

"It was foolish to enter a relationship when he was still questioning his sexuality," Dumbledore corroborates, sounding disappointed for them both. "But as I said we know little about this. I'm sure with understanding and patience we will learn from our mistakes,"

Something Sirius has noticed, Dumbledore using 'we' since they began talking. "We, Professor?"

"Society, my dear boy,"

*

Remus sits on the bench in an empty hallway. The opposite wall miles away. The escape routes may as well be on the opposite side of the universe. He's stuck in the centre, an empty voice with nothing to cling to. Stuck between his feelings and Sirius', between the past before he came out and the future of his relationship. Between males and females, gay and straight. Words he cannot describe himself as without experiencing equal discomfort for either. Is he neither then? No, he knows he likes both so being neither is illogical. Seemingly the opposite of himself.

"Remus?"

He wipes the tears from his face when he sees Sirius standing there, hovering like a ghost. He didn't realise he was crying until he felt self conscious about it. "What do you want?" there's no way for him to sound anything other than sad. No matter how much he'd like to be bitter.

"I can't pretend I know what you're going through but I was wrong to blame you like that," Sirius sits on the bench beside him, leaning between his open legs. Tired, spent. "I remember when I was questioning myself and I'd have never been able to realise my sexuality If someone told me it doesn't exist,"

"But you're right. It doesn't," Remus sighs with resignation. "None of what I feel makes sense, I'm so confused! I was confused anyway and then I just made myself even more confused!" he buries his head in his hands, declaring this with a wail of frustration.

"It's okay to be confused. I know it doesn't feel good though..."

"It feels bloody horrible," words muffled by his palms.

"Dumbledore told me something interesting," he shuffles closer to Remus, wrapping his arm around his shoulders. Remus leans into the hug and drops his head into Sirius' nape, burying his face in his jacket. It's comfortable, it smells pleasantly like the outdoors. A reminder of the feeling of being a werewolf. The freedom of change. Of release from the confines of inhibition. The liberation of everything about himself he suppresses for the sake of others.

"What did he tell you?"

"There are other people who like both," this makes Remus look up, suddenly intrigued.

"An American thing, I think. It's called Bisexuality. So if you like both, you're 'Bisexual' - Someone who likes someone of the same gender and someone of another," he remembers from Dumbledore, though his tone suggests expertise he doesn't have.

"So it's like being both straight and gay?"

Sirius chuckles. "I thought so too, but apparently not,"

All his life, Remus has needed to define things. He is a werewolf. He is in Gryffindor. He is gay. He thrives on prescriptivism and labels because he knows he wont have an identity without them. He's much too passive to 'define himself'. He needs external definitions. So the term Sirius has told him makes him smile, losing the uncertainty. Bisexual, both. Both is good. Both make him happy, being both makes him happy. "Bisexual? Yes, I think so," Not feeling so confused anymore, he leans in to kiss Sirius once again, though is stopped by a hand on his chest.

"Sirius?"

"Dumbledore said something else," the smile is gone but the light in his eyes remains. "He said that getting into a relationship while questioning was a bad idea. We were best friends before and you made me the happiest I've ever felt! You still do, but I think we'd be better off staying best friends. At least while you're coming to terms with everything - and learning about it, and coming out, and.-"

"Sirius, I get it" he laughs gently, instead of kissing him he hugs him, under the arms and pulling him close, squeezing him so tight he fears losing his breath. "Do you promise we'll be best friends forever? An unconditional love unlike if we were dating?"

"Unconditionally? I don't know..." he grins cheekily.

"Sirius,"

"Yes! Of course I promise!"

*

"Wait, so you're bisexual"? James asks, struggling as Sirius had to understand. "Liking both men and women... what happens if you get married to a woman? And you're with her forever? Do you stop being bisexual?"

"I wouldn't see why..." Remus shrugs. "I can still like both if I have a partner who's one or the other. Do you just stop liking everyone else when you're dating?"

"Bad example - James has never dated anyone!" Sirius laughs, smirking as James teasingly. "He's too hung up on Lily!"

A collective 'oooooh' rings through the group of Marauders. The tips of James' ear flush red but he's too confident to be embarrassed about it. Too much has happened between them all, they're too intimately friends to care about such things. It's almost a mockery of other friend groups at this point, to joke immaturely about the others' love livers. Or lack thereof.

"Okay so..." Peter concentrates on what the question he's about to ask actually is. His processing power is diminishing by the second. "If you're dating a boy are you gay and then when you stop you go back to bi or...?"

"I mean, the relationship would be gay..." Remus supposes, acting as an expert like Sirius had. He has no idea what he's talking about, just saying what seems correct to him. He thinks about his sexuality a lot more than Sirius does not because it's more complex of a sexuality but because there's less information to go on, and a lot more to figure out for himself. "But I wouldn'r be gay in the relationship. I'd still be bi, just dating another boy. Which is gay - but I wouldn't uh, be gay,"

Peter nods. Whether he understood or not is up for debate.

"We'd better go," Remus checks his watch, halfway done tying his tie. "We'll be late for dinner,"

"Can we not skip it?" Sirius groans. "We could play cards or something instead,"

"I never ate lunch and James had practice today. We're better not skip in case we're really tired in our classes tomorrow," Remus thinks aloud and with agreement (reluctantly from Sirius) they head down to the Great Hall.

While most people sit at their house tables at dinner, they're free to move around unlike at assemblies and things. James becomes enthralled in talking to Lily so Remus and Sirius switch to the Hufflepuff table. Sirius catches the eye of Dumbledore at the head of the room, they exchange a smile. Sirius' encouraging, Dumbledore's proud.

"Oh if it isn't the lovebirds," laughs a rather effeminate Slytherin who's sitting with them.

"Shut up," Sirius sneers, they sit down together between a pair of girls. Remus notices one happens to be Tonks. "We aren't together anymore,"

"You aren't?" a particularly concerned one frowns. "What happened?"

"Slight disagreement but we're remaining friends," Sirius/ voice is entirely final, commanding the end of the conversation. Instead he and the girl tease each other over their confidence about winning the House Cup this year. "We have the best seeker in the school! James Potter won't let us down."

"Your house breaks the most rules thought, even more than the Slytherins!"

Remus sighs contentedly. Ready just to listen to their friendly spat. But Nymphadora's smile catches his attention. "I'm sorry you broke up," expressing her sympathies, she places a hand gently on Remus' shoulder.

"It's fine, I don't think I'll be dating for a while," he shrugs. "I just need to figure some things out. Plus I'll be busy with prefect duties and my OWLS..."

"Oh, alright. Well what about friends then? In the market to make any of those?"

"Of course!" he smiles, a giddy elation swelling in his chest. A girl he likes wants to be friends? This is a better outcome than he could hope for, vowing celibacy for the next short while. He decides that if he get back together with Sirius, that's be great. If he and Nymphadora become more than friends someday, also great. If he ends up dating some other boy or girl, then great. It's all okay, his worried gone for the time being.

He didn't come out unscathed, not at all. But Remus takes solace in the precedent set for the rest fo the school. If someone else is having the same feelings as he is and chooses to come out, maybe it'll be a little easier for them now. What he anted for himself can be extended to others and with each new example, precedent, step in the right direction it'll get easier.


	5. 5/ 5

**1994**

The Shrieking Shack does just that. Each time he puts the weight of his foot on it, the wood screams with strained agony. It bends, the wood snapping on the edges. He may as well fall through the floor now. A mercy that'd save him the misery of a Dementor's kiss.

"Sirius?"

The man turns around with a frightened gasp. Tension fills the air, his throat closes, muscles contracting as if terrified. And he is, for the glass of his eyes shows nothing but complete fear. "R- Remus! Stay back Remus, don't come any closer!" he whips his wand out quickly, a skill developed in Azkaban, useful, in his escape. He points it menacingly, though his eyes show complete hesitation. "It's for your own good Remus, stay back!"

"Woah, Sirius, it's alright," Remus raises his hands in surrender, displaying the wand tucked into his belt. His expression remains a deathly calm, eyes hard. Slowly, he walks forward, the same expression in his eyes though less intense. Both wizards in the purgatory of cautious optimism. "Do you remember the Marauders' Map?"

"O- of course?" Sirius gives him a strange look.

"I have it here..." he slowly slides it from his breast pocket, the wand in Sirius' hand quivering for just a moment. An instant away from cursing Remus unforgivably. The teacher sifts through the wallet, crumpling the pages with hands sweating with anxiety. "Look on page... ah, here it is," Remus, always trying to sound delightfully polite even in the most unsuspected times.

The map is kicked over to Sirius who picks it up gently, with cautious inspection of the ink and parchment. He can distinguish the genuine article from a boobytrapped fake. Opening it to the page Remus indicated, he finds the footsteps of Peter Peddigrew scuttling around the castle.

"I know you're innocent,"

The map drops. His wand too. Tears swell in his eyes, ones he's been holding back so many years. Crying out in relief and the numbing painkiller of hope, Sirius runs forward and crashes into Remus, grabbing his shoulders and pulling him tight. Refusing to let go any time soon. He can't lose Remus again, not ever. "Gah... thank you, thank you, I love you..." he serenades while petting Remus' hair, running his hand through it.

Once they separate, Sirius gets a detailed look at Remus. How his face has slimmed. His scar stretched. Eyes brighter than ever. But a lingering fatigue. "You look just the same Remus, only a lot more handsome..."

Remus laughs at that. "No, I look old and tired..."

"I mean yes, but that just gives you character," Sirius gestures to his own appearance. Ragged clothes, dark eyes and hair sudden with dirt. "Look at me and then yourself. Both older than our years, Remus. We've been through too much to be mere men in our thirties,"

"Sirius, while I do love these pleasantries, we need to come up with a plan to prove your innocence," Remus sits down on a chest, an old one they explored on swashbuckling adventures as pirates in their early teens. Sirius leans on the windowsill, just out of sight of the Dementors.

"Perhaps using the very one who proved you guilty?"

"Severus Snape?"

"What?"

"Don't you remember, in 5th year?" Sirius asks.

"Oh, no. So long ago now..."

"Not for me. The years I spent in Azkaban are lost for me. Those memories very fresh in my mind," Sirius explains. It's a revelation that saddens Remus, the realisation that his best friend has been lost for so long His life so wretched it doesn't even register with him, Years forgotten. Lost. Missed.

"In any case, I didn't mean him. I meant Harry. He's the one whop pointed Peddigrew out to me. The rat-"

"Harry?! How is he, is he alright? Oh, I do miss my Godson, I've has only fleeting glimpses of him and-"

"Sirius!" Remus fixes him with a hard stare. "The plan,"

"Oh, right," he shakes his head to rest his frazzled brain. He can feel it knocking around his skull. Remus places a hand on his shoulder and smiles once again.

"But your Godson is brilliant,"

*

Over the next few days, Remus braves the elements each night to bring Sirius clothes, food. Under threat of the Dementors he risks the trip and each time, they talk for hours. "I should have expected you'd become a teacher. The perfect occupation for you really,"

"Really?" Remus sighs with disappointment. "I feel so incompetent, taking so much time off every full moon..."

Sirius takes his hand, kissing it It's smooth, warm. He wants to return to that someday. The prestige presentation in velvet robes with floral designs and thick coats, and a marble bathroom behind a centuries-old oak door. How he used to be in the brief time spent in adulthood with James. "You're a great teacher, Remus. Have faith in yourself,"

The Animagus stands up, stretching his arms which make his shoulders click. His bones crack, arms shudder. "It's getting late, I should be getting back,"

"Are you sure..." Sirius stares at the floor, realising what he's about to ask. Shocked by it, ashamed by it. How could he ask Remus to stay here, out in the open with Dementors, sleeping on the floor in unwashed blankets? A pause Remus has noticed, and that makes Sirius blush. "... you don't want to say the night?"

"Stay? Sirius," the look on his face more dispirited than Sirius'. The more he thinks about it, the less and less reason there is not to stay the night. But something holds him back. The hatred he's had for Sirius all these years. The betrayal that's been entirely too real in his mind. That trial when Sirius spat at the Council, the crazed look in his eyes of n the front page of every _Prophet_. Sirius simply isn't the person he remembers loving. "I'm sorry but I can't. I can come back tomorrow, we could have some tea,"

Sirius grabs his arm, feeling his fingers touch around the bone. "We wouldn't have to do anything, just sleep,"

"Alright," Remus smiles, pleased. Honestly pleased. His expansive imagination begrudgingly incorrect, this doesn't feel off at all. The hatred of Sirius dissipated after that response. He sits back on the box, both leaning back against the wall. Resting his head comfortably, Remus feels it could be a pillow.

He drifts off to the melody of birdsong, the gentle breeze in the air that cools him through his twee coat that wraps him in its blanket. Sirius stays awake a little longer, smiling, watching for Dementors.

*

"Sirius!" he grabs him in a passionate hug on the ground floor of the Order of the Phoenix HQ. After escaping the prison of the Hogwarts Tower, Sirius returned to rebuild the life he lost in the Order. "I've missed you so, it's great that you were able to work for the Order again!"

"Indeed," he smiles, his eyes sparkle under the lights. Remus failed to notice his eyes before now, perhaps because they are so dark as is his hair. But they are quite breathtaking, like black holes to portal him to a dimension of astonishing beauty. "After Dumbledore figured out what happened, he set me up here. I got a job and a place to stay. Perhaps soon I'll be able to set myself up in the countryside,"

"That cottage you always talked about?" Remus snickers good-naturedly. "I can definitely picture you there,"

"Perhaps Harry will join me someday," a slight hint of sadness in his smile. "How is he doing?"

Remus sighs with hesitation to relay the disappointing news. "I resigned,"

"What?! Remus, you were a great teacher!"

"Many of the parents wouldn't think so," he chuckles, it's hollow and broken. Monotone through a forced smile. "So I'll find something else to give my life meaning, I suppose,|"

Remus scans the rafters, the wooden staircase built years ago that looks so new. The wallpaper could do with changing though, peeling and faded green that may once have looked like a forest, now more like a neglected greenhouse.

"Would you like to see my room?" Sirius is already heading for the stair and Remus follows. Unsure. He feels like a child invited over to his friend's house, going to see their bedroom and the unsettling feeling of unfamiliar territory. What would Sirius decorate a room like after Azkaban? He's half expecting a dungeon and that prospect half terrifies, half excites him.

The bedroom is unexpected but entirely fitting. Regal purple drapes with a golden cord reveal a coloured windowpane in steel frame design. he floor a polished oak hardwood, dark. Candles burning sway on the vanity - magic ones of course. The vanity itself dark purple, hand-painted pine. There are blotches on the glass, Sirius painted it himself. The bed is four-poster and pressed into the centre of the room, headboard study iron, winding the design of typical floral nouveau patterns.

"This is beautiful!" he grins.

"I'm going to get some Christmas lights put in," Sirius looks around the border of the ceiling here they'll go, imagines them hanging and lighting up the room so softly. "I miss Christmas, Azkaban does that to you. I'll bring Harry here next year, we can spend Christmas together,"

"That sounds wonderful,"

"Mhmm," Sirius walks up to Remus with a soft expression, taking the hands in his. His own skin is smoother now, it feels natural to hold like this, walking even closer, feeling human contact he still misses. All human contact in Azkaban was forbidden, doesn't mean he didn't try. A man in the cell above, they spoke in Morse code through the pipes. Shared stories. He was the only one inside who believed in his innocence. They even talked about escape.

Except for Sirius that was just a fantasy, and for him it was inevitable. And he was caught in his attempt. And had his soul ki8ssed away.

"Sirius," Remus shakes his head, stepping back. He doesn't pull sway his hand, lets their arm settle comfortably between them. "I can. Do you remember Nymphadora Tinks from school? Well her and I..."

"Oh," Sirius pulls away, letting his hand drop by his side. He fixes Remus with an acidic stare with evident accusation. "You didn't tell me that,"

"I know, a-and I should have!" He runs a hand through his hair, letting it flip over his forehead. "I don't know why I didn't, maybe I was scared,"

"You were always scared of things, Remus," he smiles. Traces of malice have left. Sirius as much unable to hold a grudge against Remus as Remus is against him. Both incapable of blaming the other. "It's a good instinct to have. Perhaps I should have been more cautious. Though I admit I will always love you,"

"Me too,"

Sirius sits back on his vanity and pulls a bottle of red wine from the drawer. From the other, two glasses. They clink between his fingers. Pouring the wine into them, he swivels one in his hand before gulping it in its entirety. "I'll cherish the year we spent in love. And the many to come that we spend as best friends,"

"Closer than ever," Remus picks up the other glass, staring into its murky depth. "A toast?"

"Of course,"

This clink the loudest. Sound that resonates throughout the old building. They gulp it down, entirely ready to face the future. Whatever that may be.

*

Chilling temperatures crawl down Remus' spine. The room deathly silent. Even the moon fails to penetrate the dark shadows that lurk in the aftermath of debacle, the anticipation of pure misery. Tonks wraps her arms around Remus' shoulders, letting him slowly fall onto her lap. Running her hand through his hair, she releases a cacophony of sweet nothings that lose themselves before even reaching Remus. Feckless promises. Empty comforts.

"Sirius died a martyr," she eventually tells him, and to that he must agree.

"All he cared about was Harry. Saving Harry," Remus repeats to himself, entirely aware of how this sounds. Blaming Sirius as he can't come to terms with blaming himself - he must blame someone, right? He thinks of all the ancient texts on animagi and Wizardry. Immortality and resurrection. Nothing comes to mind on how to bring Sirius back. The man barely had a moment to enjoy his freedom.

"We'll make a special place for him," Tonks suggests. "In the countryside. He'll like that. We can leave flowers,"

"Worshipping an empty plot of meaningless ground? I don't think so," his tone devoid of anything, not even scornful. A piece of himself gone forever. No more days to cherish with his friend. It's almost easier to cope without a body. If there had been one, there would have been a funeral. Remus couldn't handle that. "I'm not going to the Hogwarts mass,"

"But it's a celebration of Sirius' life!" Tonks gasps. "Harry will wonder why you weren't there,"

"That's exactly why I'm not going. A celebration of his life? A celebration of suffering and pain, a long agony before the final fear of death. Sirius' life was nothing to celebrate," Tonks stands, letting Remus falls off her lap, landing on the couch cushion. He lets up, looking into her admonishing scowl.

"Well I think you should go. This is nonsense Remus, and you'll regret it if you miss this final ceremony," she picks her handbag from the table. "I'm going to work. I expect to see you at the Hogwarts mass. Sirius would be on my side,"

"Well Sirius isn't here," he mutters, hearing his front door close. Curling up under the blanket, he closes his eyes. Ready to skip the ceremony, skip the grief. Unable to face a future he never prepared for, and could never be ready for.


End file.
